Can You Hear Me?
One of the biggest challenges many expats experience whether at work or in their lives at home, is the frustration of miscommunication. You know when you think you said one thing and the other person thinks you meant something entirely different? I once got in the car in Mumbai and asked our new driver "can you take me to the mall?". He said "yes, of course" and we basically just sat there at the side of the road until I said "what are we waiting for?". Turns out he was waiting for the actual instruction, "Please take me to the mall" or "I want to go to the mall, take me there please." He had taken my question literally — of course he could take me to the mall — he was in a car, it was full of petrol, he knew the way to the mall — he just didn’t realize that I meant I wanted him to take me there. Now, please. I am sure we all have funny stories to illustrate this point.
The other big frustration is no matter how many times you say something, you feel you aren’t fully heard or properly understood? Do you find that you have the same conversations over and over and the outcome never changes? It’s not necessarily because you are both speaking different languages — my partner and I are both native English speakers, yet I'm pretty sure that sometimes we just don’t "get" what the other person is saying! Now imagine the complications and frustrations when communicating with someone who does speak a different language!
Become a Successful Communicator
For the purpose of this post, whether you speak one or seven languages fluently, isn’t what matters. What matters to be truly heard and understood is how effectively you communicate. The most successful and happy expats are the ones who are most flexible in their communication and in their behavior. Learning how to be a successful communicator can make a huge difference in your experiences as an expat, whether you learn the local language or not. The impact this can have on your partner, friends, colleagues, and kids is immense.
Even more importantly, when we learn to adjust our communication style so that we are truly understood, we reduce frustration and the need to repeat ourselves — how refreshing will that be!? Imagine how much more satisfying the conversation would be and how much energy we could save. I have found that simply repeating the message, only louder, doesn’t work! Notice how the successful communicators are the ones who take 100% responsibility for their communication. They never, ever, ever assume the other person "got it". They check.
Learn How to Use Speech Patterns
Our language — including choice of words, tonality, pace of speech, etc., is so powerful. Yet, it is often overlooked because we have spent years communicating in a particular way and it simply becomes an unconscious habit. When you start to notice other peoples’ speech patterns, you can become more consciously aware of how you can communicate more congruently with them. Give it a go!
If you notice that someone uses words like "see, perspective, vision, looks good" etc. then respond with "yes, I see what you mean" rather than "yes, I’m hearing you". Save that response for the people who unconsciously and regularly use words like "hear, rings a bell, sounds right, music to my ears." Oh and never respond to people who use language like, "I’m certain, thinking logically, makes sense" with language such as "feels right, I’ve got a hunch or tap into." Although culturally there are huge differences in communication styles, this simple skill helps everyone to feel heard and understood.
Using a skill like this — adjusting your own style to better match someone else's is behavioral flexibility which has been written about extensively — do a quick search online and thousands of articles will show up.
Use the Right Strategy
My belief is that as expats, we are ahead of most other people; the very fact that you have chosen this challenging life highlights your ability to adapt and handle many different situations. What have you noticed works for you when you are communicating? I often ask my kids to repeat back to me what I have asked them to do — to ensure they have understood and to help them remember. I have learned that my husband doesn’t want all the details when he asks me a question — I get straight to the point, otherwise he stops listening after around 45 seconds! With my friends our conversations meander across several different topics at once and we rarely finish the conversation, but that is OK as we all expect that to happen.
At work, I have found that by asking a lot more questions than I normally would, I am having much more success in communicating. I have discovered that starting any question with the word "why" is often taken as a challenge and the whole tone of the conversation can become confrontational. Instead of asking "why do you do it that way?" I now know to reframe the question with something like "for what purpose are you doing it that way?" or "how is that working for you?". I have also learned to follow up a quick recap of whatever we just discussed whether that is at home or at work. I have also learned that interrupting others during a conversation isn’t always seen as excitement or an eagerness to contribute — some cultures prefer a much more transactional way of speaking — you say what you want to say and then stop. I respond and then stop. You have your turn again etc. This is very alien to me and is currently my biggest challenge.
Love your journey!
